Finding My Voice:

You Can Be Kind and Still Speak Up

Have you ever held back from saying something because you were afraid of how someone might react? Maybe you had a question but didn't want to appear difficult. Or perhaps you kept an opinion to yourself because you worried about being judged.

For much of my life, I was that person. I was shy, timid, and often more concerned about what others thought of me than trusting what my inner wise old woman was telling me.

Moving from my small town to Vancouver in 1999 pushed me outside my comfort zone in more ways than I could ever illustrate in one book, but I am going to share the most important, life-changing stories with you. One of my biggest lessons didn't come from moving to a big city. It came from learning to speak up at work.

I'm Not a Mind Reader

Early in my career as an esthetician in Vancouver, I was invited to attend my first staff meeting where the spa owner presented a series of new ideas. Everyone nodded along, and no one asked questions. She had a very strong personality—unlike anyone I had encountered before. Obviously everyone else at the “meeting”, which was actually a presentation, felt the same way. On the surface, she could make you feel welcome with a warm smile and inviting tone, but she was also extremely demanding and had very high expectations of her staff.  Everyone seemed intimidated by her.  Including me.

Rewind to the few months leading up to this “meeting”, I began noticing inefficiencies in our daily work. I would point them out to Zépur, the spa manager, and occasionally she would ask for my opinion about how things could be improved.  Eventually, I was invited to join the owner, her financial advisor, Zépur, and several other team members at a staff meeting.

After the owner was done sharing her ideas (which felt more like demands), she asked, “Is everyone good?”

Silence.

I wasn't. I needed clarification about what was expected of me, so I raised my hand and politely asked a few questions. My colleagues immediately started poking me under the table, hoping I'd stay quiet.

Even though I wasn't the only one who noticed the clear, actionable plan was missing, no one spoke up. Asking for clarification didn’t actually result in clarification, but the owner noticed I was keen to go above and beyond in my job. 

Although it was extremely uncomfortable, and I felt like I overstepped, that moment taught me something important:

I'm not a mind reader.

If someone expects something from me, I need to understand what that expectation is. What exactly is the desired outcome here and how will this benefit you/me/us? Asking questions doesn't mean I'm incapable or difficult. It means I want to do things well.

However, a couple weeks after the meeting, she asked me for the status on whatever idea/demand she had presented at the meeting. I responded with more questions and explained that I did not leave the meeting understanding that this was her expectation. She seemed a bit annoyed the first few times this happened, but I truly wanted to do a great job, and she eventually trusted that. Over time, I felt more comfortable speaking up, less intimidated by her, and our relationship became more collaborative.

Looking back, I was learning to trust myself as much as I was looking for clarification.

What If You Gave Yourself Permission to be Seen and Heard?

It's easy to believe that being kind means keeping the peace, avoiding disagreement, or making sure everyone else is comfortable. But when we continually hold back to avoid upsetting others, we miss opportunities to learn and serve.

Finding my voice didn't mean becoming louder or more forceful. It meant realizing that I could be respectful and still ask questions. I could be considerate and still disagree. I could feel nervous and speak up anyway.

And here's what I wish I'd understood sooner: you don't have to feel confident before you use your voice. Confidence actually comes from using your voice, especially when your voice is followed by listening and action that proves you are a trusted team member.

Perhaps there's something you've been wanting to say, a question you've been afraid to ask, or a boundary you've been hesitant to establish.

What would happen if you trusted yourself enough to take that small step?

You don't need to change who you are. You can remain thoughtful, gentle, and kind while learning to stand up for yourself.

Being kind doesn't mean staying silent. And your voice deserves to be heard, too.