Perfectionism & Its Impact

I am a recovering perfectionist. Most of my life I have struggled to fit in.  In my younger years, I was bullied for being different. For being very timid, not speaking English, being short and overweight to name a few.  My way of dealing with that was over-controlling my environment or achievements in school and later in my work life. So much so, that it led to anxiety and worry over not being “good enough”.  It often stopped me from doing things in life because if I couldn’t be perfect at it, then it’s better if I don’t even try.  It is sad to even write these words as I feel I’ve missed out on so much back then. The impact is living a life that “could have been”.  Living in fear of disappointment and not being perfect is no way to live. But I didn’t know how to change that back then.

It wasn’t until my diagnosis with Chronic Lyme Disease in 2013 that I experienced a life lesson that would profoundly change me.  My illness taught me that being “perfect” or “striving for perfection” isn’t serving me.  In fact, it was making me sicker.  You see, for me, stress and anxiety would trigger worsening of my symptoms and prolonged my healing. 

 I had to make a change!

Prior to my diagnosis, I strived to be perfect at work.  Often going in early or staying late to get everything done “just right”.  My home always “had” to be cleaned regularly and look perfect at all times—especially if visitors were coming over.  No way would I have dirty dishes in the sink, laundry on the floor, unvacuumed or washed floors, dust on the cabinet/stair railings.  This would stress me right out and so I'd destroy myself to get everything done before anyone came over.  Sometimes, even cancelling plans if I didn’t think my home was perfect enough for them to visit.

In 2013, I had a Lyme episode that would leave me unable to walk properly, my brain no longer functioned as it used to and was utterly exhausted at the smallest task.  Just taking a shower was a struggle.  Sitting on the floor to blow dry my hair became normal as I didn't have the strength to even stand.

Spending the better part of a year in bed, my life had changed completely.  Being unable to work or do the things I loved crushed me, but it’s during a time like this that life comes into focus. Lying in bed, I watched as the dust piled up on the dresser. My floors weren’t vacuumed as frequently as I was used to. The list went on and on.  As a perfectionist, I found myself overdoing it to accomplish these tasks as it was upsetting me to not get them done.  However, the impact was massive.  I would have setbacks that put me back weeks in my recovery journey.  After allowing this to happen a few times, I finally decided it was time for change.  I had to learn how to let go and be OK with my home just the way it is. 

At the end of the day, does it really matter that there is dust on my shelves or that I haven’t vacuumed in a few weeks?  NO it doesn’t!!!  My hubby and my true friends aren’t going to care.  They just want me to feel better and get back to enjoying my life. 

In time, I learned my biggest lesson:

“Good enough, IS Good Enough!”